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September 2nd, 2006

12:58 pm Gosh, well I really didn't plan spending half an hour lost in Ilford in absolute tears yesterday. Damn me and my forgetfulness, I didn't take my passport to my Med School Test so I couldn't sit it. Hence the mindless, crying wandering. I really was rather pathetic. Especially when the phonebox ate all of my money but didn't let me call. Hmphhh. Oh well I still have time to re-sit the Test so the Doctor dream is far from over. Gosh I really was a wombat. Jess xxxxx Current Mood: amused

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July 11th, 2006

10:23 am Eeeekkkkkk I'm off to Africa in a matter of hours. And oh my am I just a little bit excited. Seriously I am beaming *excitement* at you all as you read this. EEEEEEEEEE. However, China people have gone. Off in their minibus. This did cause much sadness and the reason for much squeezing. Ohhhhhh. Have a great summer, and for those I don't get to see before I disappear off to faraway places here is a huge mental *squeeze* especially from me. Gonna miss you lotsness. Much love Jess xxxxxx Current Mood: but a little bit sad

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May 31st, 2006

11:14 am Escapades around the loft with epic escapading music to suit! Avoiding all the obstacles! Not falling through the roof! Treasure hunts here and there! Two little adorable dogs! Making communal lunch! Crumpets at midday! What more could a girl want! Hehe I love Jo's house! Jess xxxxx Current Mood: giggly

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March 5th, 2006

08:18 pm - Because mum's are heroes! ‘Is it wrong to hate someone for their happiness? All the emotions that I’ve been trying to suppress, to avoid, to hide from for what seems so long now seem to have caught up with me at once. And they terrify me. I spent so much of this evening feeling awful. Not quite knowing why. Not allowing myself to feel was my way of coping, of not getting hurt, and now I don’t know what to do. I feel so vindictive at times. There are times that I think if I was to say something I know I could say something, just let it slip, and it would ruin things for certain people. I won’t. I’m not that kind of person. But at least if I did it would all be out in the open. I want to scream and shout sometimes. Tell people everything I’ve been bottling up. Everything I’ve been hiding. I won’t. I’m not that kind of person. I’ll continue feeling like this. I’ll bottle it all up again. Its what I do. It’s the kind of person I am. There is someone I think I am beginning to hate. Not because I dislike them. But because it’s slowly killing me to be around them. Because I’m as bad as them. This is who I am. And I don’t like myself very much right now.’ I wrote that last night after getting home from Romford. My God was I in a bit of a state. I was up half the night thinking, sleep just was not an option. I didn’t feel any better this morning, just more morose rather than angry. But then I did the most sensible thing I’ve done in weeks….I spoke to my mum. She knew something was up, she always knows, but lately I’ve just clammed up or shouted whenever she asked what’s wrong. But this morning, I just told her everything that has happened lately, the things that I have done, and all the stress and anger and unhappiness just went away. Why I didn’t just do that two weeks ago I don’t know but I am so glad that I did it now. You know what, I love my mum. Jess xxxxxx P.S Dancing around my kitchen to the Monkees also helped. Current Mood: happy Current Music: Elephant Love Medley - Moulin Rouge

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February 5th, 2006

07:23 pm Time for update methinks. And about time too. No updatage for over a month. Tut tut. I am ashamed of myself. Went to 18th Birthday Party last night. It was much fun. And Jess got muchas drunk. I even managed to shock my mother with my drunkness. And she already thnks I drink too much. ( Events of yesterday with much food and sleeping bags. And Harry Potter. ) In other matters. I have tickets to go see Charlotte Church. Which one is very excited about. Should be much much fun. I believe I also have a ticket for 'Give It a Name' which shall also be much fun. Other matters of excitement include C4 maths. I can't help it. I'm just really enjoying doing proper maths. There's just something about being able to integrate logrhythms and the like. I'm really looking forward to doing Further Maths next year now. Enough updatage for now one thinks. Enjoy. Jess xxxxx P.S And for the record I was NOT drinking wine in the shed at 4:00 yesterday afternoon. Honestly, what do you take me for? I was almost hurt by the insinuations. Almost. Current Mood: (hungover) Current Music: Charlotte Church - Fool No More

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December 29th, 2005

12:28 pm - Snow Day!! Ooooh I'm in pain! Playing in the snow really isn't good for you. Ah well it was worth it! After a hasty 45 minutes of maths revision (interupted by neighbours of course) at Michael's house we gave into the inevitable and went to the park for a snowfight instead. Was definitely more fun than maths! I made a snow angel which I havn't done in years. However the best was yet to come as we invented a new game which involved being dragged along whilst sitting in a yellow paper boy bag down an icy road then released so that you went skidding down the road. Its sledging without the need for a hill and is the reason for much of my pain. Then we went back to Daniel's house and ended up all snuggling under duvets in the Summer house! Naturally there was also much pizza involved. Hehe I love unplanned but random days. And I love snow. It feels like years since I played in the snow. The last time I remember was a couple of years back at Jo's house when we all made walls of snow to protect ourselves. That was also a very fun day. It should snow more often! Jess xxxxx Current Mood: silly Current Music: Mcfly - She Falls Asleep

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December 21st, 2005

11:54 am Hehe I'm home. Back in the world of Christmas! Back from Medlink! And wow did I have a great time - I so want to be a doctor and I SO want to just go straight onto medical school right this moment. It was fantasmical. I didn't really get to sleep much at all this weekend so I am rather exhausted now. I also seem to have aquired a welsh accent. Strange, you might think, seeing as how I was at Nottingham Uni but I seem to be drawn to the Welshness as I managed to find three different groups of them to spend time with. And you know how I like to mimic an accent. I was either gonna come back Welsh or a Geordie! Well I'm looking forward to Christmas now LOTS!!!! It kind of didn't exist at Medlink - as if time was standing still. In fact the only time I really remembered just how close Christmas was when we went out to Yates's on the lst night and suddenly I was listening to Wham - Last Christmas. Anyhow, must be off. Suitcases to be unpacked, presents to wrap, annoying accents to lose. Cheerio Jess xxxxx Current Mood: in a Welsh way. Current Music: Wham - Last Christmas (what else!?!?)

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December 14th, 2005

07:42 pm Wow it seems like forever since I last updated this thing, actually looking back at my last entry it has been. Ah well all has been good since if I remember correctly. Had a great time at the weekend at Steph's super-fantasmical-day of films. We ran out of things to watch and in a moment of inspired creativity a coloured sheet provided us with two and a half hours of fun as we began to play Blindman's Bluff. Then there was the multiple treasure hunts that we did. It was nice. It kind of reminded me of the summer. ( What can I say. We were bored. ) Only two more days left of school now - I think I probably had my last proper lesson this year first thing this morning. Went to Jenni's house for 5 and 6, 'twas much fun! Even when I had to walk back to school at lunch ever so slighty tipsy. And line-dancing!!!! How rather fantastic was that?! He he, you can't help but love it. Yaaaayy almost Christmas time, I can't wait. I really feel all christmassy this year - I think maybe I shall go wrap some presents and listen to pure Christmas cheese. Simply magnificent. Jess xxxxx Current Mood: chipper

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November 20th, 2005

09:56 pm Went to a party last night and had lots of fun. It was a bit strnage at first, I had only met teh girl whose eighteenth it was once before and I only knew two other people. However it turned out to be much fun, with lots of dancing and singing. Plus I met a nice guy called Mike (or was it Matt? Who knows really?) who goes to Campion. Meh he was a nice distraction ;) It was just good to let off some steam really, last week was so shit if I'm honest, and it was lovely just to let all my troubles go and get taotally off my head! Which I did rather well. My mother was finally exposed to drunken Jess, (no idea how she has managed to avoid her so far) and I now think if she got her way she would have me dunk all the time. Apparently I seem happier when intoxicated. She feels this is good. Went to see Harry Potter for teh second time today. I DID NOT CRY - don't believe anyone who says I did! It was even better tha the first time I must say as this time I had no disappointment about certain things from the book being cut out. And David Tennant - Yuuummmmmmmmmmm!!!! Jess xxxxxx Current Mood: chipper

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November 15th, 2005

06:48 pm I wish my head would make more sense. I should be happy. I am happy. I have no reason not to be. I have a fantasmical group of friends whom I love dearly. I'm having some of the best times of my life. But I can't help feeling that maybe its all a facade. That this smile is just a mask. I'm not depressed. I could cope with that. This is something different. I think maybe I just don't care any more. And maybe that's worse than I imagine. I haven't felt this way for so long, its been 5 years. I hate feeling so utterly ineffectual. I hated it back then too. I will not go down the same route I went down then. I can't go there again. I just need something to draw me back to the present. Jess xxxxx Current Mood: blank Current Music: How long Has This Been Going On? - Gershwin

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November 6th, 2005

08:34 pm - Remember, remember, the 5th of November Well I may only have a meagre 7 photo's of Laurens party, but I'm going to do a photo-post anyway. Because I can. ( Look at all the stripes!!!!! ) Current Mood: bouncy

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November 4th, 2005

10:53 pm My Chemical Romance....well, where do I begin? As it turns out I just wasn't in the right frame of mind to really enjoy it. So when Tom and Daniel asked me if I wanted to go sit down with them at the back after the first supporting band I was more than happy! After that there was no chnace I was going to get in the right mood, but I was happy standing at the back with them (I could actually see the stage from there for like the first time) and sitting on the stairs outside just listening to the music and chatting. I was just so tired...I don't think I could have handled being in the crowd, I didn't have the energy. Though I think if I had been in the right mood, I would have had a fantasmical time as they were really rather good. Ah well, I still enjoyed myself in my only little way. :) And the Dominican Badgers from Nosex just made my day. Jess xxxxx Current Mood: exhausted

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October 27th, 2005

07:40 pm - Happiness in a Day! Kaiser Chiefs = excellent!!!!! I am however slightly bruised and battered, not such a friendly crowd, in fact a slighty mean and scary crowd. Lets just say I was glad I managed to keep hold of Daniel and Emma throughout the whole thing, even if we did lose everyone else. As for the rest of the day, it was also tres fun. Everyone got on splendidly (even me and Daniel)and we certainly had an eventful day. Despite leaving Upminster at 1, we didn't get to Brixton until gone 5, mainly because we went on several detours including one to the Science Musuem, where we undertook Intense Science (do as much as you can in 20 minutes) though we spent most of this time losing people in lifts. Like you do. Absolutely exhausted now. We finally got back to Upminster station about 1 this morning. Cat and Steph stayed over and we watched Neighbours and Doctor Who until 5:30. Ah well who needs sleep. Can't wait until MCR now, this time next week we'll all be there. Jess xxxxx Current Mood: jubilant Current Music: Supertramp - Bloody Well Right

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October 16th, 2005

04:14 pm - But...I don't even like Baileys. Dancing until four in the morning is not good for your health. Urgggh I need sleep. But I had very much fun last night at Hayley's. It was tres magnificent. I think its safe to say that drinking Jess is back and in in full swing. I haven't been that out of it in a long time nor did I realise that I'm such an apologetic drunk. There are a few gaps missing from my memory of last night but I do remember apologising to people a LOT! Sitting on the doorstep was much fun though, Kate you really shouldn't have kept topping up the baileys in the glass. I don't even like it. I'm still not sure how I fell off the doorstep. I need to speak to Daniel, I should have done it last night but i chickened out. If he hadn't had been there, I probably wouldn't have drunk so much anyway. Photo time. ( <I'm Sorry, I Am, I Really Am ) Current Mood: cheerful Current Music: Funeral for a Friend - History

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October 12th, 2005

08:04 pm - A Secret Note? How very Intriguing! Wow, reading over my last few entries I realise just how much my emotions have been going up and down. No wonder I've felt like such shit at times. Lets hope this particular entry marks a new beginning, and not just the latest peak of happiness. I think I'm in with a fighting chance though. The last couple of days I've been feeling a lot more...peaceful I suppose. Far more so than I have at all in the last few months, its not the same as feeling happy (though I've also been feeling that too) its not as straight forward as that but I think its also less tempermentral (sp?) So that's all good. As for the delight that is my ex-boyfriend. Well he is still holding up a stony silence, I've got bored of the situation in its entirity and forgotten most of the reasons why I was angry and wanted an apology in the first place, oh and I found a random note in my bag simply saying 'TaLK TO dan' That made me laugh. Its all gotten a bit silly now, so I've ceased to take it seriously. no idea who it was from though. Anyone got any ideas? Jess xxxxx P.S One other thing, maybe our school isn't such a barren wasteland of those of the male variety as I had thought. :P Only maybe though, I'll just have to wait and see, I havn't quite decided. To fancy or not to fancy, that is the question. Current Mood: peaceful Current Music: Gershwin - They Can't Take that Away from Me

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October 8th, 2005

12:13 pm - Did you mean to hurt me? Or was it just the result of your arrogance? God I miss the summer. Things were better then, easier then, happier then. I'm waiting for an apology that I think will never come. He won't even speak to me, let alone apologise. The way he ignores me you would think it was me that was in the wrong, not him. I hate that about him. He haunts my dreams, always there, always bad. I just want him out of my head. I want our friendship back, somehow that's gone too. If I could cry I would, but I have no tears for him. I knew this would happen, but I hoped I was wrong. I was right, and now I have no choice but to deal with it. Jess xxxxx Current Mood: gloomy Current Music: AFI - ...but home is nowhere

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October 3rd, 2005

05:16 pm So me and Dan broke up on Saturday night. Can't say that it was a huge surprise, when someone pretty much doesn't speak to you for an entire week you start to get the picture that something's wrong. Strangely I felt very little when it all happened, I thought I'd try and argue with it and get him to change his mind but in the end I realised I was happy to end things.With us, it was never based on deep down feelings, much more attraction. The only thing I thought at the time was that it's a shame that it ended because I had been having fun. Then today I find out that there was another girl involved and that they had got together at the party on Saturday night. If the truth be told I would have been fine about that if he had just told me when I spoke to him on the phone and we split up. But instead he didn't mention it to me at all, he gave me some excuse about having too many issues in his life instead. And that's when I start getting angry. I was fine with the break-up, I was fine with their being someone else, but I don't like liars. Dan says he wants to stay friends, but I'm not sure if I want to be friends with someone that I can't trust to tell me the truth. Jess xxxxx Current Mood: angry

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October 1st, 2005

09:06 pm Well it's been a week since I last updated and what a mixed week it has been. Seriously I don't think I've been up and down so much in such a short space of time possibly ever. There have been times this week when I've just sat on my own in my room in the dark, just wanting to cry. And yet really not sure why. It's like my head has been all over the place and I'm the last person to be able to make any sense of it. I carried on feling ill for most of the week, which probably didn't help at all. In the end it got to the point of me being so fed up feeling like this that I adopted a new regime of 'positive thinking' coupled with a dose of 'apathy towards any problems'. It didn't stop me feeling ill, but it did at least make me feel a bit better about myself. And so at least I can say that the last two days or so were a lot nore fun and that at last I can say that I'm beginning to feel a bit better in general. I had a nice time at my house on friday afternoon - though I don't approve of such civilised cupboarding! The cupboard just requires no decorum. And today I almost felt normal again, I'm still watching the amounts of food I'm eating to avoid being sick but for thr first time all week I felt almost healthy. And about time. Jess xxxxx Current Mood: peaceful

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September 24th, 2005

01:38 pm - Answers on a postcard, please. This is getting stupid now, I just can't carry on like this, I'm sick and tired of it all. Its a miracle if I manage to go a whole week without being sick, I'm desperately trying to put just a bit of the weight I lost since being back from Kenya back on (I have too many trousers that are now too big) and to be honest I'm pleased when I manage to just maintain the weight I am the moment. I just don't get it, the slightest thing it would seem and I'm sick. it happened again last night (thanks Daryl for looking after me) and there was absolutely no reason for it. I thought I might have finlly beaten this sickness thing (it had been over a week) and then suddenly its back. I'm going to book an appointment for the Doctor's on Monday, I can't ignore it any longer. I want to be able to live my life and go places without being worried that I'm going to be sick. I want my life back. If I knew why it was happening then at least I could try and deal with it. But I don't know, and it scares me. Jess xxxxx Current Mood: drained

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September 13th, 2005

07:16 pm Bloody gaynes kids make me so angry!!! There I was just getting on to a 370 at acred Heart ( I was by myself as I had ben with Daniel to the building society) and literally as soon as I got on these gaynes girls started just making these really audible comments that were obviously about me. Then to make it worse the bus was quite bumpy and as my shoes have no grip I ended up falling forwards a bit. That's when they started making even more comments and then they started 'accidentally' falling forward and pushing me into people. I was trying to just ignore them but its hard to do that when you keep end up hurtling into people. I eventually managed to move away, so they just had to content themselves with implying that I'm a dog instaed. Which was nice of them. They just made me so angry, all I wanted to do was cry. I did when I got home. There was too many of them for me to say anything back to them too, it was just horrible. I tried to not let them get to me, but it seems I failed. Jess xxxxx Current Mood: pissed off

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